….because I finally came out to my mother. I would’ve preferred to tell them both, but dad had pressing obligations. Once those are out of the way, he’ll be in a better place to process my confession. Coming out is exactly as I imagined it. After I’d finally said it, I was walking on air. A weight had been lifted, and possibilities became limitless. I could finally be who I was, uninhibitedly. Let’s just say, Armin Van Buuren’s “Youtopia” found its way onto my ipod the next morning.
As I sat on my mom’s bed, half listening to her jabber away, I told myself, “you will not leave this room until you’ve told her.” Suddenly it occurred to me: your sexuality doesn’t matter. Days and days of building myself up and, finally, this revelation sinks in. Nothing about our relationship has anything to do with my sexuality. It didn’t matter at all. And even if it did, that would be her problem. Other more rational thoughts started rushing to my head, such as this is a late in life moment to come out. Their friends will wonder why it took so long. Why now? Why not sooner? This was all of the motivation I needed.
With that inner pep talk, I grabbed my mother’s hands, looked her in the eye and said “gay.” Yes, gay was all I said. She looked at me and said “you are?” What followed was a series of questions about boyfriends and secrets. Then came the annoyingly condescending talk about aids and std’s. Grazi mom, I didn’t know that wearing a condom stopped those things from happening. Next time I have sex, it will definitely be a point of consideration. YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE! Fuck it, pick your battles. My inner most secret was out there, and my identity no longer felt fractured.
Things felt different immediately. For example, today was my best day of work so far :DD It can be somewhat attributed to the fact that a new employee came in today. She’s a full time employee, not an intern, which means she actually needs a lot of attention. I just hopped on like a little leached and sucked up everything she was getting. Free lunches, training, meet and greets…these were all for her, and now for me too!
Interacting in the office became a more enjoyable experience. Keeping my homosexuality a secret most definitely made me constantly miserable. With that off my chest, I was able to proverbially get my shit together. Now that my mom knows, it feels as if I’ve claimed my place in this world. Thinking became more active and strategic. A serious drive was imbued in my psyche. I looked at my office environment, thought about what I wanted and everything started to come together. Why the fuck did I wait so long to do this? I guess I just wasn’t ready yet.
The real world is at my front door step, and I know just how to let it in. Yes cheese again! Whatevsssss. Today feels like the beginning of great things to come. Next on my list is to throw myself into total slut spiral mode. I’m ready to go have sex, a lot of it. All of my exploits will be documented on this page, and I think I’ll have the motivation to make it sound good. You see! This is drive! I guess this post should’ve been well written too. Looks like I’m still a little lazy. Oh well! Nothing can ruin this day. Perhaps I’ll find more inspiration to blog again later. Blog, blog, what a great word. Fun to say, fun to type, great to have.