I won’t ever be truly free…

….until I come out to my parents.  There is no other words to describe me besides pussy bitch.  The current situation is unacceptable.  It’s more embarrassing than my seriously outdated phone (another issue with my parents). 

Now, I know they won’t care at all.  Yes, they’re hardcore republican (my father swears by Fox News and Billy O), but only because they like their money.  It’s really just me.  Not that I’m ashamed of being gay. My homosexuality is so deeply rooted into my identity.  Without it, I’d have different interests, different friends and I’d have to touch vaginas (eww!!).  The pathetic truth is I’m just avoiding that awkward moment.  Right after I blurt out the words “I’m gayyyyy”, there will be this long, unbearable minute where they figure out how to appropriately respond and I’ve just been avoiding it.  Yes, this is totally ridiculous.  Like I said, pussy bitch.

I’ve even tried to get them to tell me they just know, but it’s possible they don’t! I am not twink status, but I have my serious flamer moments.  There are moments when I’m the sassiest bitch in the room. Come on parents. Take off those parent goggles, and open yo eyes! GAYYYYY!

One night, a true twinky of a boy came to our apartment. Together, we got super drunk and went out.  I didn’t return until the middle of the next day.  I kid you not, they looked at me literally walk of shame it home in a tank and tight ass pants.  My mom looks at me and says “Was that boy gay?” I’m like “Yesssssss!” “I thought so” she replies and goes about her business.

Mom and dad have a tendency to be on mars.  One high school night I came home stoned out of my mind.  My eyes looked satanic red. “Oh your eyes are red! Do you need some allergy meds?” Thanks mom for handing me excuses for drug use on a silver platter.  Trust me, this isn’t parental denial at all.  They literally just have no clue.

I’m in somewhat of a dilemma because NY pride is coming up this weekend.  Some of my gay ass friends will be around.  That means they need to know by the end of this week.  Tonight was the night.  Mom wanted to take me out to celebrate my first day on the job.  This was perfect.  I could down a few cocktails and just put this knowledge out there. 

In truth, my mom is one of my BFF’s and I’m definitely her BFF.  She loves to dote on me when I come home.  We go to nice restaurants, see movies and do TONS of shopping (come on mom, GAYYYY). Telling her would be the easiest way to get this ball rolling.  Unfortunately, she was too cheap to spend $12 on a cocktail, and my stipend hasn’t come through yet.  There is just no way I can do this completely sober. I need a little liquor.  I couldn’t do it, just couldn’t!

What is wrong with me? I know my life will be so much better after.  Why won’t I let myself be happy? There’s like a parental block in my brain or something.  The craziest part is, I’ve put this so far in the back of my head that I’ve never even taken time to wrap my head around approaching this issue.  All of the questions, from ‘when do I tell them?” to “what words do I use?” have never even crossed my mind.  How could this be?

..and the fucked up story that is my life continues.  Fortunately, tonight was at least a step in the right direction.  The appropriate questions are flowing through my mind.  Tomorrow hopefully. No, you know what? Tomorrow definitely.  This is my life and I’m going to live it.  Once I tell them, dealing becomes their problem. 

It shall be as easy as possible. I’m just going to say it “Mom, Dad, look…I know I should have said this sooner, but…I’m gay. Take as much time as you need to respond.”  Also, given their family friend’s daughter (now son) just got sexual reassignment surgery, I could probably throw in the fact that I’ll never be taking those steps.  A little poke of humor could soften the moment. Is this inappropriate?

Finally, this discussion must happen face to face.  No voicemails or emails to avoid confrontation.  I have to utter these words and be proud of who I am.  Pussing out will make me less of a man, and I’m not about to threaten my manhood.

Let me just start by saying….

…I am no writer.  Yes, the last substantial paper I wrote was at my fancy smancy prep school.  As a boy who grew up in Manhattan, I had a cultural, cosmopolitan mecca in my back yard.  Too bad everything went to shit, and rendered this great opportunity useless. 

I say too bad because I am regretful.  It is no fault but my own I’m in the position I am today.  In middle school kids tormented me.  This is beyond typical, but I had particularly soft skin so the experience made me beyond insecure and socially awkward.  My saving grace was my intelligence.  I made straight A’s in middle school and switched out early to attend one of New York’s most elite prep schools. 

An alien social environment wasn’t ideal for my awkward persona. But hey, it beat the fucking savages at my magnet public school.  That “science” program where we only had science 3 days a week (?) was in my rear view. Ahead, was upper east side privilege and a swarm of faculty/staff who were paid to tell us, day in and day out, that we were the shit.

About a month into first quarter, I had a shower revelation that I was gay.  This beyond crushed me. I already felt like nothing, which isn’t the optimal attitude for dealing with such a revelation.  Not only was I awkward, I now had the added benefit of joining an ostracized social minority.  With that revelation, my body hit the tub.  There I was, laying under a steaming spray of water, literally weighed down by all of this shit. 

That was it for me.  At that moment, I closed myself of from the world. All social and sexual development took a back seat to never ending misery.  People would say shit about me, but it was nothing compared to the shit I was thinking about myself.  It didn’t help that my dad was verbally abusive and socially awkward in his own right, but that is a whole other story.

I’m not on here writing to blame others for my problems.  This is an outlet for me to get myself together.  On this summer day, I am a 22 year old man.  My parents still don’t know I’m gay, but my friends do.  The gay experiences started in the spring of sophomore year. He was disgusting, but kind. 

Slowly, but surely, my misery began to whither and confidence came in its place.  By spring of senior year, I was a different person.  I was finally getting my life together. 

Oh yeah, academics took a serious back seat to my constant self belittling. Before I knew it I was an average student.  Luckily, average students in prep school can still get into higher end state schools.  My college career was directionless, but the GPA remained above 3.0.  Even in my misery, academics could never go to total shit. 

Anyways, I started to realize what I wanted out of life, I had a great group of friends, and it was time to graduate. Perfect! All this shit comes together, and I’m just thrust into the next stage in life.  Don’t even get me started on the sexual elements.  The fucking 19 year old gays I’ve met are miles ahead of me.  Sure, I’ve done all there is to do, but not well and not often.  The bedroom is still and Everest. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am a totally different person now.  My thoughts are often positive and optimistic, but my 7 or so years of being cut off from reality occasionally knock me back a peg or two.  The point is, I’ve seen glimpses of who I can be.  I can be witty as fuck, own an argument and look hotter than hot.  These revelations are bittersweet.  Why was I such a self hater? Had I been my own biggest fan, I’d have the world in my hands. 

One significant glimpse into greatness was my spectacular performance on my internship interview.  It went on for two hours, and I wowed them.  Today was my first day.  For some reason, I was super psyched out and became awkward as shit.  What the fuck is going on? Can I not deal with this thing called real life?  This can’t become high school all over again, I won’t let it!

To sum up, this blog will be the therapy I never had but should’ve.  Sometimes I’m happy I avoided becoming a potential pill head. But honestly, I’d rather be a pill head who had lived than a recluse who has already missed out on so much.  I’m a 22 year old who froze when I was 14. 

As I build myself back up, I see there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, but it’s still in the distance.  Little rays hit me here and there, but it isn’t enough.  I’m ready to sprint out into the sun! This blog will be all of my thoughts.  No matter how bad or how weird these thoughts may be, they’ll come pouring out onto the pages.  I’m going to work this shit out and be done with it.

Day 2 of my internship is on Thursday.  My team is taking me out for a lunch, and it has to go well.  Befriending co-workers is a completely different game from college. I have no idea what the fuck to say.  Oh and there’s this guy.  His blog pseudonym will be Liam (the HOTTEST name).  We had a date two days ago.  There may be a “I want him because he doesn’t want me” dynamic on the horizon, but we’ll see where that goes.

Finally, these entries are free flowing thoughts of varying length.  That means no editing, or proof reading.  Just words words words until my thoughts are exposed and addressed.  If you don’t like that, then don’t read.  I guess I won’t have many followers, but that isn’t really the point.  That isn’t why I’m doing this blog. It’s for me, and no one else. 

I am finally taking my life back, in full.  There’s finally someone in the drivers seat.  The lights are on back home. Although not fully lit, they grow brighter everyday.  Soon, it’ll be one of the brightest houses in the fucking neighborhood so watch out.